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A Hilarious Collection of Little Johnny Jokes


Little Johnny has always provided the online joke world with much amusement, so I decided to put a little collection of his most outrageous shenanigans together just for you. These 20 Little Johnny jokes will have you howling with laughter: 





1. Little Johnny Learns Math 

The teacher asked Little Johnny, "What's two and two?" He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, "Four, teacher?" She said, "Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers.

"Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's three and three." He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, "Six, teacher?" She said, "Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers.

"Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five." He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, "Eleven, teacher?"


2. Little Johnny's Mom Has Issues 

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked four-year-old Johnny to answer the phone.

Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. "Mommy, it's the minister," he said to his mother.

From the kitchen, Johnny's mom said, "Tell him I'll call him back."

Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

funny jokes about Little Johnny and lil johnny

3. Little Johnny's Friend Gets His Comeuppance

Little Johnny and Silly Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. "My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared.

"No, he's not!" Johnny responded.

"My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said.

"He is not! He is not!" yelled Little Johnny.

"My Mother is better than your Mother!" Billy continued.

A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my father say the same thing more than once."


4. Little Johnny Discovers Something About Himself

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." 

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." 

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"

funny jokes about Little Johnny

5. Little Johnny and the Halloween Candy

Little Johnny was sitting on the pavement stuffing all of his Halloween candy into his mouth.

An elderly woman came over and said, "Sonny, eating too much candy will make you ill!"

"My grandpa lived to be 100!" he replied.

"Wow, but did he eat twenty candy bars in a single sitting?"

"Nope," replied Johnny, "but he minded his own darn business!"

6. Little Johnny and Geometry

Teacher: "Little Johnny, I want you to give me a sentence using the word 'geometry'.

Johnny: "The tiny seed grew and grew until it was finally big enough to say, 'Gee, I'm a tree!'"

7. Little Johnny and the Pastor

A pastor was chatting with some children about 'being good' and going to Heaven.

When he was done, he asked the kids, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" cried Little Suzie.

"And what do you have to be to go there?"

'Dead!' cried Little Johnny.

8. Little Johnny and the English Lesson

A teacher wrote this sentence on the blackboard: 'I ain't had no fun in months!'

"How can I correct this?" she asked.

"Get a new boyfriend!" Little Johnny yelled.

funny jokes about Little Johnny or lil johnny

9. Little Johnny's Report Card

When Little Johnny's dad asked for his report card, he replied that he didn't have one.

"Why not?" asked his father.

"Because my friend borrowed it to scare his ma and pa," Johnny replied, laughing hysterically.

10. Little Johnny and the Football Tickets

While sitting in the front row of a football match, Little Johnny's friend asks him where he got the tickets from.

"From my brother," replied Johnny.

"Awesome," said his friend. "And where is your brother?"

Little Johnny chuckled, and then said, "At home, looking for his tickets!"



11. Little Johnny and the Cow

The mayor spots Little Johnny walking a cow down the main road, and asks him where he's taking it.

"To the bulls to get her pregnant," replies Johnny.

The mayor is taken aback and tells him that his father would be better off doing that.

"Nah," Little Johnny replies. "I think the bulls are better qualified for that task!"

12. Little Johnny Says a Prayer

At the start of the English lesson, Little Johnny's teacher spotted him with his hands clasped together in prayer.

"What are you doing, Johnny?" she asked him.

"My mom told me that I should always say a prayer before going to sleep," Little Johnny replied.

funny jokes about Little Johnny

13. Little Johnny and His Crying Sister

"Little Johnny, why is your sister crying?" yelled Grandma.

"Because I helped her," came the reply.

"What on Earth did you help her with, then"

"I helped her eat all her candy!"

14. Little Johnny's Birthday Gift

"What would you like for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny's dad.

"Tampons!" boomed Little Johnny.

Johnny's dad was shocked!

"Tampons? What could you possibly need tampons for?!"

"Well..." began Johnny, "I saw an ad on TV that said with a tampon, I'll be able to go cycling, swimming, and even skiing!"

15. Little Johnny's Math Problem

Little Johnny's math teacher asks the class, "If you have a dollar and you ask your father for another one, how much would you have?"

"One dollar," yells Little Johnny from the back of the class.

"Oh, come on!" says the teacher. "Surely someone your age knows how to count, Johnny!"

"It isn't that I don't know how to count," replies Johnny. "It's that I know my dad a lot better than you do!"

funny jokes about Little Johnny

16. Little Johnny Goes to Science Class

During science class, Little Johnny's teacher asked who knew the chemical formula for water.

"Easy peasy!" shouted Little Johnny. "It's HIJKLMNO!"


"But how can it be wrong, miss?" said Johnny. "Only yesterday you told us it's H to O!"

17. Little Johnny and the Traveling Salesman

One Sunday afternoon, a traveling salesman knocks on Little Johnny's front door.

"Is your dad home, son?" he asks.

"Nope, he's in the shower," replies Johnny.

"What about your mother?"

"Sorry, she's in there too."

"Oh, I see," said the salesman. "Do you think they'll be out any time soon?"

"I doubt it," replied Johnny. "Right before they went in, dad asked me to get him some Vaseline, but I handed him the super glue instead!"

18. Little Johnny and the Smoke Alarm

One morning, a firefighter came to Little Johnny's classroom to give a safety presentation.

He held up a smoke alarm and asked the class if anyone knew what it was.

Little Johnny immediately raised his hand, and the firefighter called on him to answer.

"That's the bell that tells mom that supper is ready!"

funny jokes about Little Johnny

19. Little Johnny and His Baby Sister

Little Johnny's newborn baby sister just wouldn't stop crying one day.

Annoyed, Little Johnny asked his mom where they had got her from.

"From Heaven," replied his mom.

"Well, I can see why they threw her out!"

20. Little Johnny Talks About the Birds and the Bees

Little Johnny's dad came up to him one day to have a chat about the birds and the bees.

"Please stop, dad! I really don't want to know!" yelled Little Johnny.

Confused by this sudden outburst, his dad asked him what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Johnny sobbed. "At age six you told me the Easter Bunny didn't exist. At seven, you told me the truth about the tooth fairy, and at eight you stripped away my belief in Santa Claus. If you now tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, then I've got nothing left to live for!"


If this collection of Little Johnny jokes made you laugh, then make sure you share it with your loved ones, too!

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