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baseball Jokes

baseball Jokes and more.
How to Answer Politely
My wife has a tendency to go off on random tangents sometimes. In her atypical fashion, she decided that we both needed to get fit, so off we went on a backpacking holiday. After eight days on a series of trails in the wilderness, my wife and I both started to look a little rough around the edges. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder-length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a cow?" I thought for a moment, then said: "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
Sports Puns
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
Basketball Puns
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Love Puns
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
Baseball Pick Up Lines
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
I Swear, He Can Talk!
A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office. "All right, lets make this quick, I have things to do. Says the bored agent. "What's your talent?" The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!" "Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out." "No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?" "Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail. "Listen, pal..." says the agent. "Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "How does sandpaper feel?" "Rough!" exclaims the dog. "Quit wasting my time and get out of here." sighs the agent. "One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?" "Ruth!" barked the dog. The man turns to the agent with a bright smile. "Okay, that's it!" says the agent. He gets up and forces the man and the dog out the door. Turning to the man, the dogs sighs and says: "Joe Dimaggio?"
Frog Puns
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
Fog Puns
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.

It was a bit hit and mist.
A Less-Than-Perfect Plan
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked: "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied: "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
Baseball Puns
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
The Baseball Buddies
Sam and Dean were the best of friends as well as two of the biggest baseball fans the world has ever seen. All of their lives, Sam and Dean would talk about baseball. They went to all the games they could get to. They even made a pact, as kids, that when one of them dies - the other will return to tell him if heaven has baseball games. One night, after watching a Yankee victory, Sam happily dies. A few nights later, his buddy Dean wakes up to a familiar sound - it's Sam, and he's talking to him from beyond. "Sam, is that you?" Asks Dean. "Sure is, buddy!" replies Sam. "Wow this is amazing!" exclaims Dean. "So, please tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," answers Sam. "I have some good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?" "Give me the good news first." "Ok, well the good news is that the answer is yes, there is baseball in heaven." "That's incredible! So what's the bad news, then?" "You're pitching tomorrow night."
Potato Puns
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Bat Puns
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Owl Puns
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
Gnome Puns
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
One Liners and Short Jokes
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Monster Puns
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
Water Puns
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
Corn Puns
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Jose the Tourist
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he saved his money and went on a trip. He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and shouted to me: "Jose, can you see?"
Worm Puns
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
One Liners for Kids
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Who the Heck Is Mr. Gorsky?
On July 20th, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were heard by millions of people around the world. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but he just brushed them off by smiling. On July 5th, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question. That time, he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwestern town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Make love? You want to make love?! You'll get lovin' when the kid next door walks on the moon!!"
The Hillbilly and the Whistles
A man who had spent his whole life in the countryside visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the hillbilly, "Why'd you ruin my good kettle?" "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
A Novel Way of Calling Your Children
A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were. She said 'Kevin'. 'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?' 'Kevin', she said. 'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?' 'Kevin', she said. 'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?' 'Kevin', she said. 'Are all your boys called Kevin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly complicated?' 'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.' 'I see. But what if you want only one of them?' 'No problem.' she answers. 'Then I call them by their surnames.'
A Closeted Conundrum
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work... Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Fine, fine, just be quiet." A few weeks later the husband arrives early again. The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time. He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him. "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover sighs. "How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest sighs, "Please don't you start that again."
Funny Winter Quotes
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
Puns
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
Blond Jokes
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.