"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown