Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
You know what they say? Words.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.