What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.