A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
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