I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.