How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.