What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
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