What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!