If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

Tableware Puns

My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it

Gnome Puns

Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.

Pea Puns

My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.

Funny Health Quotes

"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton

Onion Puns

My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.

What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"

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