Told

The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.