Told

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.