Then

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
First we lived in kingdoms run by Kings, then Empires run by Emperors
Now we live in Countries...
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.

Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.

Child: Yea...

Dad: Then why is there only one?
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?