I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers.
When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.

He than left, and never came back.