I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!

Tableware Puns

I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"

Food Quotes

"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra

Clothes Pick Up Lines

Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.

Kitchen Puns

While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"

My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".

Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.

Garden Quotes

"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson

Movie Pick Up Lines

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...

Pot Puns

I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.

The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".

"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"

Funny Health Quotes

"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner

“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”

Christian Pick Up Lines

Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.

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