Hundred Jokes

What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
You're more beautiful than a hundred pink flamingos on a golf course.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
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