“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.” “That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch. "What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other. "Just make a ton of noise," says the other. The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"