An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."

Funny Aging Quotes

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns

Yard Puns

A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"

Garden Puns

What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.

I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."

Pot Puns

I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"

A Telling Phone Call

A woman meets with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi..." "I'm so glad that you called..." "Really?" "That's wonderful..." "Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time..." "Oh, that sounds terrific.. Love you too." "OK. Bye-bye." She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, "Who was THAT?" "Oh," she replies, "That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

love husband marriage joke phone cheating joke fishing bed make love best friend called rings terrific

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Classic Pick Up Lines

Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

Space Pick Up Lines

Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.

Tableware Puns

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?

Clothes Pick Up Lines

The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.

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