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I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
First we lived in kingdoms run by Kings, then Empires run by Emperors
Now we live in Countries...
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
By the seat of one’s punt
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.

Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.