Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Don't EVER let anyone tell you that you can do something.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.