A woman's dog came in one day in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and her other dog separated. But she had a large house and believed that she could keep the two apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep that night, she heard growling sounds, and rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, unable to disengage (as frequently happens when dogs mate). Unable to separate them, perplexed as to what to do next, and although very late at night, she called her vet. "Yes?", he answered in a b grumpy voice. She proceeded to explain the situation to him. The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I'll call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and withdraw". "Really, do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me."

One day, a woodcutter was chopping trees by the river when suddenly his axe fell into the water. He began to cry. At that moment, the landowner happened to pass by and asked why he was crying. The woodcutter explained that his axe, which he used to make a living, had fallen into the river. The landowner went into the water and came out holding an axe made of gold and diamonds. He asked the woodcutter, “Is this your axe?” “No,” replied the woodcutter. The landowner went into the water again and came out with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” he asked. “No,” said the woodcutter. The landowner went in a third time and came out with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” “Yes!” the woodcutter replied happily. The landowner was so pleased to find such an honest man that he gave him all three axes. The woodcutter went home full of joy. A few days later, the woodcutter and his wife went walking by the river. Suddenly, his wife fell into the water. Again the woodcutter began to cry, and again the landowner appeared and asked why. “My wife fell into the river!” said the miserable woodcutter. The landowner went into the water and came out with Audrey Hepburn at her prime. “Is this your wife?” he asked. “Yes!” said the woodcutter. “You lied to me!” shouted the landowner, furious. “Please understand,” replied the woodcutter. “If I had said no, you would have come out with Scarlett Johansson or some such. And if I had said no again, you would have brought out my real wife, and then I would have said yes. That way you would have given me all three! But I’m a poor man – I can’t take care of three women. So I said yes right away to Audrey…” Moral of the story: You may need more than one axe, but not more than one woman...

A man suffers from terrible constipation, and decides to go to his doctor. After the man describes his sorrowful condition, the doctor decides to prescribe him a laxative. He grabs a paper and a pencil and starts doing some calculations. He asks the man, "How are you gonna go home?", to which the man replies "I'll walk." The doctor then tell him there's a public toilet just 10 minutes away. He takes into account the man's speed of walking, how near the toilet is, whether it may be occupied and so on. After carefully calculating something for a solid 15 minutes, he measures a precise amount of the laxative and asks the man to consume it in the clinic itself, and tells him to immediately leave for his home, and report back on the status of success later on. 30 minutes later, the man comes back to the doctor's office with a very uncomfortable expression on his face, and walking weirdly. He says "Doc, the laxative worked quite well, but... do you have 50 cents?''

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy. The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in. When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?" "No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?" "Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"

On an RAF station in East Africa in the early 1930s, the Station Commander somehow managed to get hold of a very elderly lion, nearly blind, with hardly a tooth in his head. He called it "Clarence", and with care and gentle management Clarence became quite friendly and rather a pet for everyone on the whole squadron. One morning a newly-arrived member of the squadron was going up for exercises and noticed the runway was blocked by a familiar-looking shape stretched out in a snooze halfway along it. He tried blipping the throttle a few times but the lion paid no attention, so after a while the pilot got down, jogged up to the animal and yelled "GET OUT OF THE WAY!", reinforcing it with the toe of his well-polished uniform shoe. The lion opened one eye blearily, gave him an offended look, then lumbered to its feet and slunk off into the long grass. Landing after half an hour of circuits and bumps, the pilot picked up the nearest phone and called the CO's office. "Sir," he complained, "I wish you'd keep that lion of yours under control. I had to shoo him off the runway before I could take off just now!" "What the hell are you blathering on about?" responded the CO. "Clarence has been napping under my desk all morning!"