How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!