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jlf 2022 london Jokes

jlf 2022 london Jokes and more.
British Pick Up Lines
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
The Old Man and the Puddle
It was a long day at work, and George decided to leave his London office and walk to the pub across the street to get a few drinks. The rain was pouring as he stepped out, and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. As he crossed the street, he noticed a ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. His curiosity piqued, he stopped next to the old man and asked what he was doing. "Fishing." The old man said simply without looking at George. "Poor old fool." George thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he thought he'd humor the old man and asked, "Well... how many have you caught?" "You're the eighth."
Giant Puns
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
The Blondes, The Brunettes and the Tour Bus
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Medieval Puns
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Trumpet Puns
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Tree Puns
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
Spice Puns
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
Funny Haiku
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan
River Puns
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
The Best Bar in the World
Three guys are drinking at a bar and talking about their favorite bars. The first guy says, 'As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.' 'Well,' said the second man, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.' "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the third guy, 'Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!' The first two guys lift their eyebrows in suspicion. 'Yea right,' says the first guy, 'there is no bar that good.' The man swore every word was true. Then the second man asked, 'Come ON, be real. Did this actually happen to you?' 'Well. Not to me, personally, no.' admitted the man, "But it did happen to my sister quite a few times."
Some People Shouldn't Write Signs!
Some signs either make no sense or too many! On a bathroom door: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below." In a laundromat: "Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out." In a london department store: "Bargain basement upstairs." In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday Please bring it back? Or further steps will be taken." Outside a secondhand shop:  "We exchange anything bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?' Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness." Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants please stay in your car." Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, There is a day care on the 1st floor." Notice in a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges." Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons." On a repair shop door: "We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door The bell doesn't work)."
Mexican Pick Up Lines
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
Ghost Puns
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
Nuts Puns
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Pickle Puns
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
Funny Aging Quotes
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
A Texan in London
A Texan is in London for business, and decides he'd like to see the sights before he leaves, so jumps into a taxi and has them show him around. They drive past Big Ben, and the taxi driver notes it took 15 years to build. The Texan scoffs at this. "You Brits are so slow! We'd build something twice the size in half the time!" Next they swing by the Tower Bridge. Again, the driver comments that this impressive landmark was completed in only 8 years, and again the Texan scoffs. "That bridge is tiny! In Texas, we would have built a much larger bridge in just a year or two." A little further on, they drive past Buckingham Palace, but the taxi driver doesn't comment on it. The Texan is puzzled, and asks "What's that then? I suppose that must have taken you a hundred years to build!" The taxi driver just shakes his head. "Sorry mate, not sure what that one is - wasn't here yesterday."
Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."