Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.