I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.