My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
Shell yeah.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Salty but sweet.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
I can sea clearly now.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.