What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
Are you squiding me right now?
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.