A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.