What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.