What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
Shell yeah.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.