"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.