My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
"Dying to have fun."
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
"Bone to be wild."
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.