I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.