I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.