What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
I have a heart-on for you.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!