How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.