A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.