I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.