What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
You’re my heartthrob.
"Dying to have fun."
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.