What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
"Bone to be wild."
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.