Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!