How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
You’re my heartthrob.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.