When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.