That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
"Bugs and hisses."
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.