While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.