I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)