So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.