My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
"Bugs and hisses."
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.