"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.