What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
"Lazy bones."
"No body won the skeleton race."
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.