I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
"Bone to be wild."
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.