A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
"Bone to be wild."
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.