What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."