I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
"Bone to be wild."
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
"No body won the skeleton race."
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”