The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
You’re my heartthrob.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.