My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
"Lazy bones."
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
I can heartly wait to see you again.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.