My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel