Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
"Lazy bones."
I have a heart-on for you.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.