When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
"Lazy bones."
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
I have a heart-on for you.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
"Dying to have fun."