Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
"Bugs and hisses."