So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
"Bugs and hisses."
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.