What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.