I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
"Bone to be wild."
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.