I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"