It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.