It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)