Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.